Why??

I tell myself every month that I'm not going to think about "The Monthly Visit", or what it could possibly mean if it doesn't show up. After all, I have this little thing called PCOS, which means my Monthly Visit could come once a month, or once every 4 or 5 months. It's all just a gamble, really.

So this month, even though my temp is up, I'm having symptoms, and it's been well over enough time, I refused to let myself think about it. Then last night, Mike asked what was wrong (I've been feeling crummy), then asked if I had taken a test, and was very nonchalant about the whole conversation. That, of course, got me thinking. And thinking just a little gets me thinking a lot. And that led to me deciding I would buy a test this weekend when I went to the grocery store, and had me daydreaming about all kinds of baby related things. I even opened my mouth and said something about the conversation to a friend of mine today.

So, of course, what happens? The Monthly Visit has decided to show up. Why do I even let myself think about the possibility of another one? Why do I keep deceiving myself into thinking it might actually happen again? Why do I let myself get my hopes up? I know it's not going to happen. I know I'm just going to get upset when The Visit comes, just like it always does. Why can't I be happy with the wonderful child that I have? Why do I have to yearn for another one? Why??

Life just isn't fair.

And as hard as this is tonight, Things I'm thankful for:

1) Cadence. Every month I realize how truly blessed we are to have her, and what a miracle her unexpected appearance was.

2) Mike

3) Homemade chicken pot pie. It was even better tonight as leftovers.

4) Tax refunds

5) DIY home renovations.