I tell myself every month that I'm not going to think about "The Monthly Visit", or what it could possibly mean if it doesn't show up. After all, I have this little thing called PCOS, which means my Monthly Visit could come once a month, or once every 4 or 5 months. It's all just a gamble, really.

So this month, even though my temp is up, I'm having symptoms, and it's been well over enough time, I refused to let myself think about it. Then last night, Mike asked what was wrong (I've been feeling crummy), then asked if I had taken a test, and was very nonchalant about the whole conversation. That, of course, got me thinking. And thinking just a little gets me thinking a lot. And that led to me deciding I would buy a test this weekend when I went to the grocery store, and had me daydreaming about all kinds of baby related things. I even opened my mouth and said something about the conversation to a friend of mine today.

So, of course, what happens? The Monthly Visit has decided to show up. Why do I even let myself think about the possibility of another one? Why do I keep deceiving myself into thinking it might actually happen again? Why do I let myself get my hopes up? I know it's not going to happen. I know I'm just going to get upset when The Visit comes, just like it always does. Why can't I be happy with the wonderful child that I have? Why do I have to yearn for another one? Why??

Life just isn't fair.

And as hard as this is tonight, Things I'm thankful for:
1) Cadence. Every month I realize how truly blessed we are to have her, and what a miracle her unexpected appearance was.
2) Mike
3) Homemade chicken pot pie. It was even better tonight as leftovers.
4) Tax refunds
5) DIY home renovations. 


Laura said...

I'm sorry, sweetie. It does explain so much about why Cadence came into your life when she did -- God just could not allow you to go childless, that would have been a crime. (((hugs)))

Kahla said...

(((Hugs))) I wish I had answers and miracles for you because I know what you are feeling. Come to TX and see me, we can hang and do therapy shopping (hey, you said tax refund). ;o) Love you and don't give up hope, you never know what tomorrow brings.